Part 1: how to get married

Yes of course I mean if you’re a straight woman. If you’re a gay man, then marrying a gay man might be rather nice. Or indeed, legal. Although one should neveraccidentally get married. Getting married ought to be something you go into with a certain amount of intent and planning. It would be wrong, for example, to be out shopping one Saturday, have a coffee, read the paper, buy new water filter cartridges, and get married. And to be perfectly honest with you, some Saturday mornings I don’t even bother having a shower, and I think if you’re going to get married it’s the least you can do.

And now here’s a list of things I think are the least you should do if you are going to be Good At Getting Married:
1. Have shower obv
2. Wear clothes you would never normally wear so that you spend the whole day believing you are someone else. (Footnote: How To Be Good At Being Wedding Guest: if you are a woman you are expected to wear a fascinator. If you don’t know what this is, and are wondering if it is something like a vibrator, you need to know it is a device made of wire that sits on your head and makes you look as though you are being attacked by a swarm of bees who are, inexplicably, drawn only to you.)
3. Deal with hair. Dealing with hair means only two options: remove or enhance. Hair removal may include waxing, threading, shaving, or electrolysis. Electrolysis is where you pay a lot of money to a tanned woman in a short white dress who will inflict pain and has given her life to the pursuit of beauty and the smell of clary sage. No-one actually knows what clary sage is but do not ask her because she may divert her attention from your hair removal and get her NVQ folder out to check. In a painful hour you will have precisely three hairs removed. Hair enhancement may include: curling, dyeing (as in the verb to dye, as opposed to the verb to die), straightening, backcombing andstyling. Styling is where you sit in a chair before a mirror, and a camp man wearing, ironically, a flat cap, runs his fingers through your hair and looks at you (he will put his head on one side at this point as if to suggest that he is thinking) as though you are a house he has just bought that needs a new kitchen and he can’t decide whether to go with an Island or a Peninsula. If you are wondering what the connection is between kitchens, islands and peninsulae, you are either (a) never getting married or (b) you have left decisions such as those to the person you married so that you can get on with important stuff, like Top Gear. Or (c) If you do too much (b) you’re definitely (a). Other hair enhancement may include transplants and vajazzling. Hair transplants are where your pubic hair is removed and stitched to your head (see Google Images: Arthur Scargill); Vajazzling (verb: to vajazzle from vagina + dazzle. Strictly it is not your vagina that is dazzling (although it may be of course), but, to use the correct expression, your fairy: cf. lala, lady garden, front bottom , down there, and minge). This involves grooming your pubic hair and embellishing it with Swarovski crystals, for example. This will then look pretty(cf: common) but less pretty the following morning when you are picking them out.
4. Go to university, get a first in PPE, work as an intern for three years at the UN, become a Buddhist, spend your restful hours in thoughtful meditation and then two years at ACAS in thoughtful mediation, train as counsellor, use clary sage, join the diplomatic service and broker peace in Palestine. Only then may you be put in charge of inviting guests to your wedding.
5. Make your wedding special. There are websites devoted entirely to doing this but you should bear in mind that if there are websites devoted entirely to making your wedding special, this could be a clue that the word special does not meanoriginal. You will honestly believe that no-one has ever thought of giving their guests a silver plated model of your fingerprints. Remember that your guests will only regard your wedding as special if they are each presented with an iPad and a meal that does not include goat’s cheese. In 1982 the tea light was invented. Before then we had, for many hundreds of years considered candles as something that you used in a power cut, or put in the top of an empty Mateus Rose bottle. Once we had got over the shock of the tea light, we then worked hard for a generation to devise new ways of using them to convey special. This included many mothers-of-the-bride eating a lot of Gu so that they could collect 250 pots with which to line stairways. This was particularly fevered following the release of Mamma Mia. Since then, the tea light has appeared in brown paper bags, tissue paper lanterns that are released into next-door’s tree/dog, and floating amongst goldfish. Having fish in bowls on your wedding reception table is only acceptable if you don’t care about fish. I, as it happens, don’t care about fish, but imagine you put a bowl full of kittens or babies on the table. I haven’t seen tea lights used in conjunction with tea cakes so I predict this is the Next Big Thing and taps nicely into the zeitgeist of all things vintage. Vintage is very now. Vintage means bunting and cake stands, florals and gingham, subjection of women and, er, the war. Happy days.
6. Make a playlist. One of the tracks you should definitely is upload (download?) is This is the Death Knell by The Wedding DJs. It is a reworking of the 1972 hit Bus Drivers Now Take The Money by The Bus Conductors. And may sound a little like the future hit But I had Such a Nice Bookshop by The Nice Bookshop People. No-one has a DJ now. Compiling a playlist mainly involves looking at the ages of your guests and guessing what will get them on the dancefloor. Thus if there are people there who were born in the 1960s you should always assume that they love T Rex. This is generally shorthand for all generations. It follows then that anyone born in the 70s will get their dancing pants on for Sonia, the 80s Shaggy and so on. For very elderly guests you can just basically assume Cliff Richard (or Cliff Richards as he is often known to older wedding guests) and something from the war. It doesn’t really matter which war.
7. Marry someone who is of similar sexual orientation to your self.

4 thoughts on “Part 1: how to get married

  1. this is hilarious – I love it and I love you but not in a weird I’m not sure about my sexuality way 🙂 funny, funny, funny blog – can’t wait for part 2 x

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