How to be good at internet dating Part 1

In the olden days, people were only allowed to find a partner at the school disco, at university, at work, and in novels.  However, since the digital revolution, we are no longer allowed to talk to people in real life.  When the internet was invented, the people who thought it up spent many hours wondering how it could best be used.  Thus pornography, Groupon and “free delivery and return” were invented.  Over time it became clear that despite the internet, some people continued to meet face-to-face.  This state of affairs could not be allowed to continue, for by then, web cams and masturbation had come into being and pioneers like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs had to find ways in which these could be used most effectively.  Thus predictable sex became predictive text.

Psychologists, church leaders and the government began to notice that people no longer seemed to congregate in groups unless they were at a Zumba class, rioting, or were members of the Royal Family.  Concerns were being raised about the institution of marriage and the family, and opinion pollsters found out that the only people who were making a go of long term relationships were gay.  It didn’t take them long to realize that this is because gay people had discovered new ways of meeting, such as, at Waitrose.  Cleverly using coded language (James are we protein this week?) they were able to meet like-minded people and go on to adopt attractive children and have their own pinterest board.
Thus internet dating was invented.
How to write a profile

To use internet dating you have firstly to create a profile.  One would normally assume that this is truthful in order to concisely convey to a potential partner who you are, what you are like and what you are after.  Profiles should therefore simply say “I am 52, I can be morose, and I want sex with, ideally, a live person”.

In reality profiles are a complete fabrication.  During the war nice clever people who liked crosswords, cardigans and kippers were recruited to encrypt and decode important messages.  This tradition has continued and although kippers have fallen out of fashion, the Bletchley Park legacy can still be seen in the world of internet dating.  Here are the top twenty codes used by men on dating websites:
I am 53 years old
I was once
I like nothing more than cuddling up on the sofa  with a film and a glass of red wine followed by a walk in the country then  lunch at a rustic pub with roaring log fires
I like Top Gear and beer.  If I think it’s the only way I’ll get sex I  will also go to the garden centre with you
I am tactile, and like holding hands
Ideally I’d put you in a burqa, hide your shoes and  lock you in a  room
I am looking for a woman who does not have any  issues or hang-ups about their past relationships
I am deluded
I am loking for a Lady for freindship and possibly a  Relationhsip.if you think this is you get intouch and I promise I will  writeback my free month subscription is jew to end this week so ladys what  are you wating for lol!!!!
If I knew what basic skills were I’d have enrolled  on a course at my local college years ago
I can be reserved
I can’t be bothered with the talking stuff
I am romantic
I once bought a woman flowers that weren’t from a garage
My friends say I am funny
My friends think I’m weird
I am a widower
You’ll never compete with a dead wife
I am 60 and have three grown up children, two  grandchildren and a three year old who lives with me
I am stupid
I am a psychopath
I have absolute control of the bin lorry
A few extra pounds
I have a beer gut
I go to the gym regularly
I regularly join a gym
I am looking for a funny and clever woman
As long as she isn’t funnier or cleverer than me
I am looking for a woman 35-37 years old, 5’6” size  10 with a strategically placed tattoo
I am trying to find a copy of the only woman I have  ever loved in the world and will never love anyone else again
I have a good sense of humour
I don’t
My favourite book is anything by Dan Brown
I haven’t really read any books
My favourite book is To Kill A Mockingbird
I think this is what women want to hear
Common mistakes men use on their profile

Describing himself as a car:  A nice little runner with a few miles on the clock but the chassis is holding up well!  Have a little rummage under the bonnet and see if I can pass your MOT! LOL! (Footnote: LOL is used so frequently on dating sites that the people who produce keyboards have removed the colon key which has fallen into disuse and replaced with an LOL key):  they should of course go on to say I need constant maintenance, am liable to let you down on the motorway, you have to fill me up regularly using money that could be spent far more enjoyably and that new smell doesn’t last long.   LOL!!!

Providing pictures that have clearly been generated on a web cam.  Whilst there is nothing intrinsically wrong with this it tends to scream I HAVE NO FRIENDS WHO CAN TAKE A PICTURE OF ME. Typically when using this method, men fail to look at the camera, but stare intently at the screen:  this can make them look as if they have been captured on CCTV robbing a building society.  Nor do all men check what’s in the background.  There’s nothing quite as unattractive as a nasty headboard.
Telling potential dates that they have a caravan:  Now I am sure there are a cohort of women for whom this is attractive. And whilst men shouldn’t let their caravan go, as it were, they should withhold this information, along with details of their medical conditions, until a level of intimacy has been reached.  I know no middle aged women who relish the prospect of weeing in a cupboard.  One man told me that he used to like camping but now his knees aren’t up to it.  This is not a good omen.
It’s not a supermarket:  Many men have a list of quite specific requirements.  Once I remember my mum asked my dad to go to the shops to buy cabbage to go with the dinner.  He came back with nothing on the basis that they had no cabbage.  So it is with dating.  In an ideal world we’d all have a list: I for example would have a list that looks something like this:
  1. Must have bigger feet than me, must be taller than me, must have shirts that I can wear that make me look Susan Saint James in McMillan and Wife
  2. Must be able to interpret that the volume used to empty the dishwasher is conveying meaning regarding a conversation we had last week which is still not, in my opinion, resolved
  3. Must have a substantial toolbox

However, women who are good at internet dating realise that sometimes you have to settle for sprouts.


10 thoughts on “How to be good at internet dating Part 1

    • Lisa – your were brave to admit to that, I didn’t have the confidence to say there was a little trickle in case Gill has me locked up in Care-Oxy-Moron Home so she can plunder my goods and chattels! By the way, what are chattles? People like us that don’t stop talking?

  1. As per our coachin’ and with all my many years of experience, knowledge, learning, accrediting I can say in true carin’ sharin’ terms – “I bloody told you so!” As in, I bloody told you that your can write and are by far the wittiest and cleverest person (apart from me, as in never be wittier or cleverer than your coach)!
    This is so funny and well crafted that I literally ‘lol’ed out loud on the tube (yes I know, how dangerous is that in The London to make a noise on the underground? Talk about living on the edge!). Please, please keep it up (Lesson 3 – How to Keep Your Man Once You’ve Got Him).

  2. Oh Gill what a brilliant read! Not only are you a fabulous trainer but your blog had me in fits of laughter! You definately have a way with words, cannot wait for future blogs! Go Girl xxx

    • Nat! Thanks that’s lovely! We had so much fun today I can’t imagine any other groups left that place in such a good mood. Glad you’re enjoying the blog x

  3. Excellent copy, Gill. Go to the top of the class! Another venerable tome!! Perhaps, a little one sided! A brisk inquiry into the female perspective lexicon would find such ubiquitous phases as, I want someone to complete me…….. After at least 3 rummages through my 50 Shades Of, I have yet to find what this means. Please address. X

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