My married friends often ask me “Gill, how do I know if my husband is a gay?” This is perfectly understandable of course because these days most people are gay. Before the Internet there were hardly any gays. There were however (a) men who hadn’t found the right girl yet and (b) men who had found the right girl but for all the wrong reasons. Men who thought they might be gay really had one of only two choices: stay with their mothers in England and be clean shaven or go to San Francisco and grow a moustache. Some men suffered much confusion about their sexuality and this can be seen in photographs from the 1970s of men who had moustaches and a wife. The wife of a gay man is called a beard, and so these men had quite a substantial amount of facial hair, one way and another. Some men continue this tradition today and honour their brothers by growing a moustache in November. This is now known as Homovember.
Lesbians however have always been around. Lesbians are woman who are disappointed with men and therefore are as old as time itself. Queen Victoria famously didn’t believe in lesbians and so they had to go into hiding. This was a relatively straightforward business and simply meant not wearing stays and thus not getting married. They were then free to write novels and go on expeditions. It is for this reason that lesbians are known to wear sensible shoes. These are not the only sensible choices that lesbians have made.
In order to help my married friends who are hoping to discover if they have accidentally married a gay I conduct my simple four-point queerstionnaire.
Queerstion 1: Is your husband actually having sex with men?
The options are:
- Absolutely not. I know this for a fact. I am with him every minute of every day and when he goes away on business trips I have him fitted with a tracking device so I know he is only ever at a conference or in a Harvester. I have cloned his mobile phone and his computer and read every text and email he receives and sends. I follow his entire porn history and have tagged his eyeballs so I know who he is looking at.
- Possibly not although he seems to prefer musicals to football
- We’re terribly modern and it’s fine. Honestly. Not a problem. I’m OK with that. Really.
- I once found him in bed with the window cleaner. I didn’t know you could use a squeegee like that
Queerstion 2: Do you think your husband might be bisexual?
Some women actually believe in this. It is ascertained by carrying out a biagnostic test which will reveal if your husband is:
(a) actually gay
(b) a bit lazy
(c) in denial or
(d) a Lord Stanley. (Footnote: In 1485 at the Battle of Bosworth Lord Stanley waited on a hillside with his troops to see who might win. When something interesting came his way he then nailed his colours to the mast)
Queerstion 3: What is his gay:straight CD quotient?
This is calculated by firstly counting the total number of his CDs and downloads. Subtract the number of albums you and the children gave him for Christmas, Dan Brown audiobooks, or any compilation that appears to have been endorsed by someone off of Top Gear. Then count the number of Erasure, Pet Shop Boys, Kylie, Bucks Fizz and Madonna albums he owns. Divide the smaller number by the bigger number and if it helps, put brackets somewhere and then multiply it by 100. If the sum represents less than 10% this means he has made a few poor choices. Between 11% and 30% I am afraid you must accept that he has quite poor musical taste but is not gay, merely locked in the 1980s. These two are often confused. More than thirty percent means that the news is not good on all counts
Queerstion 4: What sort of porn does he love?
There are some women who do not think that their husbands love porn. This is a fallacy. Or, in this context, phallusy. Men and women regard porn quite differently. Most men for example love porn and will spend many happy hours on the internet pretending to look at the ScrewFix website. The wives of these men feel reassured by this but will nevertheless still have some uncertainties about the number of half finished jobs around the house. They rationalise this however by considering how many recipe books they have and yet still only really make spag bol. The average man would not unusually read porn on a train, talk about it with his mates, or pop something pornographic in his shopping trolley. This kind of behaviour is reserved for women since the advent of Fifty Shades of Grey.