How to lose weight

It is apparent that in order to increase the traffic to your blog, you need to have posts that tap neatly into the zeitgeist of what people are looking for. And it appears that most people, despite telling their friends they are concerned about Syria, are in fact looking for ways to lose weight. This next post then is merely a cynical attempt to gain more traffic. Luckily I am able to tell you how to lose weight as I have lost a lot. Some people are born fat and spend their life trying to deny this natural state. This is equivalent to someone with brown eyes staring at blue things to try to change their colour. Thin people assume they (a) know all about nutrition and (b) that fat people are stupid but in fact this is not the case at all as fat people (a) know all about diets and (b) can add up calories really quickly. My mother encouraged me to start my first diet when I was 9 as she had noticed that she not only had to lengthen my trousers on account of my height, but had also started to let them out on account of my girth. Fortunately, these slight adjustments were concealed with ric rac so passed completely unnoticed by popular girls in school. In fact I am so good at losing weight that I have deliberately put it on just to take it off again.

There are exactly 22,630 diets available. This is convenient as it means that if you decide to go on a diet at 18, and stop dieting at 80, you could in fact do a different diet every day. The advantage of this is:

  • You would never get bored of your diet
  • You would have plenty to talk about with your friends
  • You would be thin for 62 years, as all diets work, but at 80 you would be fat again

The disadvantages are:

  • You’ll be miserable
  • You will have no friends

Diets can be divided into the following categories:

  • Diets that allow you to eat as much as you like
  • Diets that allow you to eat nothing that you like
  • Diets that allow you to eat as much as you like on some days, and nothing that you like on others
  • Diets for men

Diets that allow you to eat as much as you like

For people who enjoy food these are the best diets possible. You will be happy and thin, providing that you actually like leafy green vegetables and fat free cottage cheese (footnote: cottage cheese is so called as it dates from the days when poor people in small cottages who were not allowed to eat proper cheese, made cheese for rich people in big houses. Thus full fat cheese is called Brie, which is French for “big house”) These diets are often supported by weekly classes where you are encouraged to go along, get weighed, and talk in group about how you are doing. Weight loss classes are lots of fun and people who go regularly may not be thin, but will have a huge amount of nutritional knowledge. In class you will find out:

  • That some weeks you are “holding onto water” and this will explain your three pound weight gain. If you measure out three pounds of water and see exactly how much that is you will be surprised to see how that volume of fluid can possibly have bypassed your bladder and gone straight to your ankles
  • That some weeks you may claim “it’s my hormones” and this too will explain your three pound weight gain. It is hard to imagine how many hormones you have ingested to create a weight gain as hormones are really quite small. Smaller, say, than a sharing size bag of Cadbury’s Giant Buttons. (footnote: when it appears on a food item, sharing means “you and I know I am going to eat these all myself but for the purposes of cashier relations, I am pretending that I have a friend who will help me eat them and you are pretending that I will empty half the bag into the foodbank at the door”)
  • That some weeks you will lose weight. When you lose weight everyone in class will clap, and although this implies that they are pleased at your loss, they actually hate you. If you are lucky enough to lose more weight than anyone else, you will be slimmer of the week and will receive a motivational sticker that you are supposed to look pleased about. If you then put that weight back on you are allowed to keep your sticker. Unless you have eaten your sticker.
  • Why the woman who runs the class is fat. The explanation for this is very simple – she knows how to do it but doesn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

Diets that allow you to eat nothing that you like

These diets will include The Grapefruit Diet, The Cabbage Soup Diet and The South Beach Diet (note that this is not a beach that is in the South of England. If it was, it would consist mainly of ice cream, pasties, and lollipops shaped like penises). They also include meal replacement diets. The replacement will be described as a “shake” along with the words “delicious”, “creamy” and “satisfying”. The good thing about these shakes is that they will guarantee you a loss of one stone a month (that’s 14lbs if you are American. We British call this much weight a stone as this is the average weight of a Mick Jagger). The down side is that after three days you will be bored with it. However, you can spice things up considerably by serving your shake in a different coloured glass and adding a straw. You will have absolutely no social life. Your friends will invite you for meals and despite them having shopped, prepped and cooked for an entire day you will be content to sit there with what amounts to a liquidized pillow telling everyone how much weight you’ve lost. You will not need to tell them how dull you are. You will also have bad breath. A special ingredient is added to shakes to ensure this so that you will not be invited into anyone’s house. Some of these meal replacement programmes also include counseling to help you deal with why you are so fat in the first place. These sessions will force you to confront your demons, such as “Are you eating because you are hungry, or because you are emotionally starved?” If you are emotionally starved, you are unable to distinguish between love and biscuits. If you think biscuits love you, you may need to seek additional help. (footnote: biscuits should always be kept in an airtight container. Your stomach is not air tight). When you are on a programme such as this your house will be very clean. This is because the supermarket no longer serves any purpose other than as a place to buy cleaning products.

If you have three shakes a day after three months you will have either (a) lost three stone or (b) put three stone on. If (a) you will immediately put it all back on once you start eating solids, or if (b) this is because you have confused diet shakes with actual shakes (see Diets for Men below)

Diets that allow you to eat as much as you like on some days, and nothing that you like on others

Fasting diets are very popular as they allow you to eat anything you like for five days a week, and starve for two days. You are encouraged to not eat excessively on your five days so a suggested daily menu will look something like this:

  • Breakfast: Half a grapefruit, Small cup of tea with no milk
  • Mid-morning snack: An apple
  • Lunch: A chicken salad
  • Afternoon snack: Some carrot sticks, a box of Mr Kipling fondant fancies
  • Dinner: Grilled salmon and couscous, a McFlurry, Cheesy Chips
  • Evening snack: Two bags of Doritos, a wedding cake, a loaf of bread (toasted) and next door’s cat

On your two fasting day you are allowed to eat 500 calories per day. Compromises will need to be made as you may have either a Big Mac or a kilo of radishes, but not both.

Diets for men

On the whole men are genetically programmed to not really understand diets and if pressed, will think it is something to do with lettuce, that muesli is healthy, and that if pasta is good, lasagne is better. If a man has been forced onto a diet by a woman he will claim to understand, but will actually not have listened, and thus get confused. They are hardwired instead to understand that if it can run, and it has four legs, you should kill it and eat it. In the Stone Age, women did the cooking. Nowadays we laugh at those gender stereotypes, but the truth is women have evolved to instinctively understand that there is a difference between a grilled chicken breast with no skin, and chicken nuggets. Men find the subtleties of this simply too difficult and will assume that if you can eat eggs, you can have them boiled, poached, fried, Cadburys Creme and Scotch.

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