How to have breasts / How to be good at Internet dating Part 2

Although some men have got breasts, only women can really have a bosom. A bosom is the general name given to whatever sits between your neck and your waist and includes your cleavage. Cleavage is the word used to describe the area that separates your breastage.

When breasts were first invented, God realised that although Adam only actually wanted a pair of breasts to play with, he may also need something to make his dinner, so woman was created, a being that was not simply a pair of breasts, but had added functionality such as talking, pointing at stuff and running away. But it wasn’t all good news for Adam as he later went on to discover that woman could also think, talk to snakes and look faintly embarrassed.

Across the ages women have worked hard to ensure that their bosom has been shown to its greatest advantage. Thus the bra was invented. Bras come in many styles including:

  • Push up – these take whatever you have, plus any adjacent fat, and create the illusion of perkiness. Perkiness is what young women have and take for granted. Push up bras really only work for older women when they are upright.
  • Balcony: this is basically a shelf on which your bosoms are presented as though they are two panna cotta in a panna cotta shop window. This works surprisingly well whilst you are in the upright and stationary position but cannot really cope with momentum (footnote: many people confuse stationary with stationery. Women in the stationery position whilst wearing a balcony bra should not bend over the hole punch)
  • Underwired: this provides an element of scaffolding and seeks to redress gravity. The wires work well until they find an escape and without warning stab you in the armpit thus producing the sensation of a heart attack if on the left side of the body
  • Padded: padded bras are for women who would like, but have no, bosom. Women could be concerned that once removed, there may be an element of disappointment in a partner, but intelligent women have come to understand that once the sexual rubicon is crossed, mere gratitude takes over

There are two types of bosom:

  • The ample: the ample bosom is seen by many as desirable, but women with ample bosoms are hugely disadvantaged when it comes to doing up buttons, wearing T-shirts, and lying on your front. Surprisingly bed manufacturers have failed to capitalise on this and continue to produce flat beds whereas mattresses shaped like jam tart trays would not only suit women with large breasts but also provide a place to store your unwanted arm when lying sideways, an appropriate indentation for large buttocks, or a convenient storage facility for a nighttime snack. (footnote: Women with ample bosoms often have food in their cleavage due to the distance between plate and mouth).
  • The tidy: women with tidy bosoms will be surprised to learn that an ample-bosomed woman’s bra can double up as a pair of cycling helmets for tandem users. Tidy-bosomed women wear bras only because they feel that they are missing out on being grown up, but the reality is that even if they spin round unexpectedly there is little associated risk. These women are able to go to bed, untroubled by the nighttime ritual of breast placement as they tend to stay put. Some men claim to prefer the tidy-bosomed woman in the same way that vegetarians claim to enjoy quorn but actually like the odd bacon sandwich when no one is looking

Women who do Internet dating spend a lot of time and energy crafting their profile in order to convey the following facts:

  • They like to snuggle up on sofas and watch DVDs (footnote: if you aren’t sure LEAVE THE APOSTROPHE OUT)
  • They like long walks in the countryside and roaring log fires and like nothing better than a romantic beach at sunset (footnote: women in the Midlands may be lying)
  • They like cats/dogs/angels
  • Their ideal date will be tactile, loving, caring, kind and generous (footnote: you should always mention this just in case someone standoffish, cruel and mean gets in touch)

Sadly the only people who are really interested in how funny and clever you are are other women. To attract a man you merely have to post a photograph that suggests the merest hint of bosom as most men will work from this point outwards.

The first date
In the olden days when people were courting, the first date was an opportunity to find out about each other. These days, by the time the first date happens you already know their favourite prime number, how long they spent in prison, that they think the Oxford comma is a type of transit van, and where they have a tattoo (sometimes on the buttock but mainly in Coventry). Thus the first date is merely an opportunity to see how like their photograph they really are (footnote: caveat emptor) A number of emails and texts will have been exchanged and this can dangerously escalate the relationship into fantasy as these are written by Cyrano de Bergerac on behalf of the attractive but disappointingly dense-in-real-life Christian de Neuvillette. Sadly the preparations for the first date can often take longer than the actual event. Some women honestly believe that their attractiveness will be significantly increased by exfoliation but it is unlikely that any man ever refused sex on the grounds that your elbows are a bit on the rough side.

These days then the first date is really a job interview and women will use this opportunity to drill down to establish a man’s competence and motivation. Women are skilled at both talking and asking questions, and getting annoyed that they aren’t being listened to and men therefore will be utterly bewildered and retreat to the only place they really feel safe – the bosom.

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8 thoughts on “How to have breasts / How to be good at Internet dating Part 2

  1. Yet again, laughing out loud, nodding wisely at the perils of having an ‘ample bosom’ while ferreting about in my cleavage for my hanky, mobile phone, notebook and a few bits of chicken left over (or rather down) from dinner (I’m from the South, anyone north of the M25 – this means tea).
    Gill – thank you again for massacring my mascara again and you deserve to be awarded the Best Blog in the Universe / Stratosphere / Brian Cox.
    Love you and it – more more more!

  2. I need a jam tart tray mattress, on a much larger scale than your average jam tart tray! And as for bits of food, well, my boobs are only this big because they eat more than I do! Fantastic article, loving every minute of reading you.

  3. Pingback: Day Six: Synaesthesia and something new | How to be good at everything

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