How to be less miserable

Daily Prompt: Happy Happy Joy Joy

Google How To Be Happy and you’re going to have to trawl through 2 billion sites. However, choose How To Be Less Miserable and there’s only around 48 million – and most of those seem to think I mean Les Miserables. Of course you could argue that they are one and the same as I watched Les Miserables and cried a lot, particularly when Fantine fell on hard times, and felt much perkier for it. So, if around 47 million sites are about the musical, that leaves only around 1 million sites for How To Be Less Miserable. Take out half a million YouTube clips of kittens falling into swing bins, and 400,000 or so adverts for products that make you at least look less miserable, then you’ll have to agree that this is a hugely untapped market.

Discovering you aren’t quite as happy as you thought you were can be rather depressing.  Depression takes many forms and some people don’t know if they are actually depressed, or just a bit miserable.  To be honest, in either instance, the last thing you want to be worrying about is diagnosis, so my advice for anyone wrapped in their duvet in the corner of their bedroom is: assume clinical mardiness

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How to have breasts / How to be good at Internet dating Part 2

Although some men have got breasts, only women can really have a bosom. A bosom is the general name given to whatever sits between your neck and your waist and includes your cleavage. Cleavage is the word used to describe the area that separates your breastage.

When breasts were first invented, God realised that although Adam only actually wanted a pair of breasts to play with, he may also need something to make his dinner, so woman was created, a being that was not simply a pair of breasts, but had added functionality such as talking, pointing at stuff and running away. But it wasn’t all good news for Adam as he later went on to discover that woman could also think, talk to snakes and look faintly embarrassed.

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How to fall in and out of love

Most of us know that falling in love requires little more skill than falling into a swimming pool and has the same impact: total immersion and runny mascara. Some people, such as Tom Daley, do this more gracefully than others, and you will never see him with runny mascara (footnote: when he’s in his work clothes no-one is ever looking at his eyes. This is an example of drawing the eye from flaws, and focusing on assets, as demonstrated by Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp has eight legs). You can easily spot two people in love in a restaurant as (a) it is unlikely to be the Wing Wah All You Can Eat Buffet and (b) they are content to sit opposite each other and stare into the other’s eyes (footnote: unless they are simply practicing for a staring contest. A staring contest is not suitable for contact lens wearers, or the blind. Other staring-related advice is that you should never stare at a gorilla. I realize that for many of us the opportunities to do this are quite limited. I once had a friend who was allergic to cows. She wasn’t a dairy farmer so this was a fairly easy scenario that could be avoided, unlike button phobia – koumpounophobia – which is quite common and quite disabling as buttons are everywhere including: in button shops, and on men’s shirts. Men’s flies used to be button-fastened until the late 19th century when the zipper was invented. Sadly the ability to universally remember to do one’s zip up has not yet been invented. Omphalophobia – the fear of belly buttons – is also hard to avoid during good weather, especially in Coventry. Coventry city centre is not, as some people think, just where you go for the court or probation service. It has many other attractions such as Primark).

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How to lose weight

It is apparent that in order to increase the traffic to your blog, you need to have posts that tap neatly into the zeitgeist of what people are looking for. And it appears that most people, despite telling their friends they are concerned about Syria, are in fact looking for ways to lose weight. This next post then is merely a cynical attempt to gain more traffic. Luckily I am able to tell you how to lose weight as I have lost a lot. Some people are born fat and spend their life trying to deny this natural state. This is equivalent to someone with brown eyes staring at blue things to try to change their colour. Thin people assume they (a) know all about nutrition and (b) that fat people are stupid but in fact this is not the case at all as fat people (a) know all about diets and (b) can add up calories really quickly. My mother encouraged me to start my first diet when I was 9 as she had noticed that she not only had to lengthen my trousers on account of my height, but had also started to let them out on account of my girth. Fortunately, these slight adjustments were concealed with ric rac so passed completely unnoticed by popular girls in school. In fact I am so good at losing weight that I have deliberately put it on just to take it off again.

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How to buy a house

It has been shown that buying a house is a stressful affair, along with divorce, redundancy, Christmas, and your child being gifted. In Britain we love buying houses, whereas in Scandinavia they are happy to just rent somewhere stylish and join the police.

The stress associated with buying a house has a very simple explanation: nobody actually knows how to do it. Sadly, solicitors, estate agents and mortgage brokers have had no experience whatsoever of the process and have to start from scratch with each individual buyer. For example, if a solicitor had ever done any conveyancing before they would already have the contract document available and could just cut and paste the address. (footnote: conveyancing is the simple process of transferring the ownership of a house from one person to another. It is similar to going into a shop, picking up a bag of pasta and taking it to the till. However, on the way to the till the supermarket is taken over by pirates and you are held hostage for three years. During this time, you will have your toes cut off and when you are finally released, you find that your best friend has stolen your identity and run up huge debts on your credit card. As you hand over the ransom money to the cashier you will immediately be diagnosed with depression and told that you are overweight and badly dressed. She will also tell you that your receipt cannot be printed as it has been sent off to a monastery in Scotland where it is being slowly copied onto vellum and each digit illuminated in gold leaf by nuthatches. As you leave the store you will be arrested for shoplifting and undergo a thorough cavity search).

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How to drink coffee

Before television there were only four types of coffee in Britain. These were: proper, instant, frothy and Camp. Camp coffee was invented during the war. As proper, instant and frothy were hard to come by the Ministry of Food recruited the young Mary Berry to set about the task of finding a suitable alternative. Taking a break from her research in the summer of 1940 Mary went on a short camping trip to the chicory fields of Scotland and whilst there, realised that the bitter taste of the famous Scottish herb was perfect – not just as a coffee substitute but also as a useful ingredient in the making of the Coffee and Walnut cake. Mary was hailed as a saviour of coffee, but she shook off the plaudits, popped on her sensible shoes, her loud jacket and no nonsense approach, and headed off in search of the perfect substitute for walnut. And cake. It was on this journey that Mary met and married Paul Hollywood and had two children: Nigella Lawson Berry Hollywood, and Halle Berry Hollywood.

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How to buy product

When I was a little girl my mother, who hadn’t been out of the house for three weeks, asked me to go to the chemist and buy her a face pack and a packet of hair dye on the understanding that I should stay out all day and could spend the change on David Cassidy badges and sweets. This memory only came back to me when I reached that age. That age is when you wake up one morning and suddenly realise that the sweet bird of youth has not just flown , but has built a nest in your hair, left its footprints around your eyes and, as it flew off, shat on you. That age is when women discover the power of product.

Product is a term used to describe anything that can be bought in a cream, lotion or serum and has been scientifically proven by 100 women, who didn’t necessarily get their O levels, to make you not only look younger but actually be younger. Serum is a Latin word meaning expensive. Product ensures that lips are plump and thighs are lean, hair is manageable and shiny, and skin is luminous and dewy without breakthrough. Breakthrough is when the reversal of the ageing process is so intense that you revert to the age of 13, get oily blackheads and buy David Cassidy badges. Product is also what you put under your armpits for added youth. Most of us had neglected to notice how decrepit our armpits were looking until we were told to look by Dove. Like many women, I was shocked when this was brought to my attention. Dove were the first product manufacturers to buck the trend of using malnourished children to advertise their products and began to use models who were “real women”. For a moment feminists thought this was a good thing, but then realised that all Dove were doing was showing pictures of naked women, and telling them that their armpits were ugly.

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